Who Am I Today?

I just snuck upstairs to get online. My girlfriend had a tight grip on me but i feel the need to type. Shoot... i just looked down at my leg and apparently i cut myself on something because i have a strem of blood running down my shin. Gosh im a clutz. Anyway, i should probably be in bed. It's 1am. I'm not tired, though. I took a nap earlier and had a nightmare so now i am slightly afraid to sleep.

Indifferent

So i have decided to declare my indifference toward people and life itself. People aren't Worth hating although at some times it seems like they are. They are just scared, uncaring, stupid, worthless heaps of moving flesh and blood. Therefore i do not hate them because to me they are nothing. That may sound bad or harsh but really... most people are worthless. Think about when you were little and how you imagined people would treat you. Do they treat you like that? No. Life is made shitty by those people, which sucks. It's true though. It is frightening to me to watch the freakish shadows that we call people walk around day to day. I don't want to be like them. I'm scared i'll turn into one of them. icanticanticanticanticanticanticanticanticanticanticanticant.....

Hmmmm....

My girlfriend is randomly laying on the floor next to me giggling her ass off. I don't know why and I'm begining to get concerned.

What... what do i do?

I'm worried. Things haven't been going well for me... I'm scared. I think something is really wrong with me. I'n the past two weeks it's been getting so much worse and the only person i can talk to is Vance. I just don't want people to lock me away. I want to be normal. Something is so wrong. I don't want to say exactly what it is yet because i'm still worried someone i know will find out. I need help. My head has been hurting non-stop lately. I just want it to be quiet, it's too loud. Much too loud and it won't stop. It used to be just before i fell asleep but now it's almost all the time. The only thing that makes me feel better is Vance, she seems to really care. She doesn't judge me. I'm scared.

Hiya! It's been awhile!

I kinda like not posting for awhile and then just having a very long post for some reason. Okay so here is where i am at right now. My ex-girlfriend turned out to be pretty much crazy... She was getting extremely controlling and creepy (She would text me random shit like "You aren't going to leave me right? ever?"). I ended up breaking up with her a few months ago and now she is practically stalking me. Here is the kicker! I met my Ex-girlfriend in a club i go to at school... In this club there was another girl, Vance (Not her real name, it's a nickname. Long story.). So me and Vance started hanging out and junk. Me and her were flirting a lot but i thought it was harmless because Vance had a boyfriend and i had a girlfriend. About a month after we started hanging out and talking i formed a little crush on her, which would be fine but she told me she had a crush on me too. This all led to a bunch of awkward situations... The first time we kissed i attacked her because i was so damn nervous (Luckily, she finds my awkwardness cute). I had broke up with my ex about a week before i kissed her. Vance, however, still had a boyfriend. We dated for about a month before i told her that she had to choose between me and him (I really like her a lot, ya know? I want her to just be mine.). I was REALLY sure that she would choose him because they had been dating a year and a half and she had only known me for 3 or 4 months. She didn't though, she chose me. I don't know why, but she did. She is living with me now basically. Me and her kinda turned my basement into our little apartment, we have our own bed and TV and everything. She makes me really happy. It's hard to find people as easy to talk to as her for me. Plus I've been going through some weird shit and I've been kind of down and stressed but she just listens and doesn't judge me. My mom is damn near in love with her. She is just a great person. The only problem is that my ex KNOWS I'm dating her and is now randomly showing up at my house crying and begging me to talk to her! I have noooo clue what to do about this. I can tell Vance is worried but she tells me that everything will be alright. I'm not too sure though. Other than all this craziness, it has been an awesome summer! I have my girl and my boys (Two of my friends have been staying at my house a lot too. Jake and Ryan.), I just turned 16 and i got my drivers permit! I've just been busy! No one else is awake right now. Jake and Ryan are asleep in my room (their a couple) and Vance is asleep downstairs. I'll go join her in a moment, I'm getting sleepy. My last thought before i head off to bed is this: Vance got me something for my birthday and i don't think she understands how much it means to me. She got me this bracelet that is rainbow colored and says "PRIDE" across it (As in gay pride). That alone would mean a lot but the thing that gets me is that Me, Vance, Ryan and Jake all have one now. I just feel really accepted. I feel like i belong. I know she doesn't read this (or even know this exists) but if she every does read this i want to say that i love you and thank you, so fucking much.

Just talk to me!!!

It's 3am and i just learned something about myself. I NEED people to talk to me. If someone won't talk to me it leads to... badness. Number 1: I feel like I'm not trusted. Number 2: I start thinking too much. Thinking too much for me is NOT a good thing at all. I don't know how long it has been since I've felt like this, probably a month or two. I thought it had stopped. I feel sick almost. I'm a monster... No one really likes me, they are just lying because they feel bad for me. I can tell. Ugh! Sometimes i just can't handle myself. It's odd, right now i can damn near feel my skin crawling. I CONSTANTLY need someone to talk to, it's sad. I'm almost 16 years old and i can't be alone without turning into a sniveling girl. God, all i ever worry about is coming across as weak... look at me! I am weak. Why can't i just accept that!? fuck... i am pissed and upset and scared and depressed and ahh! I just don't think i can handle this.

My ASC class... Yeah... I'm in school.

I'm in my ASC (Academic Support Center) class and... I'm bored. I can't really work on my project for English because half of the things i would need are at home. So my plan is to just sit here and blog. The two guys sitting next to me are talking as loud as they possibly can about weed... which means that they have never smoked. Dumb ass's. Who are you trying to convince? The girl sitting next to those guys kinda looks like she's from Jersey... She's gotta bump it XD. Ewww Snookie. I really Hope Mrs. Miller will let me charge my phone through 6th hour, if Megan even remembered the charger. -Sigh- I just want to go home and shower and nap and throw those stupid pills out the fuckin window. If i did, i would want my mom to see XD. Wow, I'm an asshole, huh? Well i mean... it would be HER fault. I didn't want to take them in the first place! I just... I'm really scared that they are going to kick in soon. I know i won't be able to handle it. My mom says she understands but she won't help me. I hope i can see my doctor soon, maybe she'll understand. Ugh. I hardly got any E2020 done this weekend because i was at my dads, i think my mom's disappointed. Shit. I am far too stressed. I told my dad about GLSEN's parade that's coming up :/. He thought it was dumb, i didn't expect anything less.