My ASC class... Yeah... I'm in school.

I'm in my ASC (Academic Support Center) class and... I'm bored. I can't really work on my project for English because half of the things i would need are at home. So my plan is to just sit here and blog. The two guys sitting next to me are talking as loud as they possibly can about weed... which means that they have never smoked. Dumb ass's. Who are you trying to convince? The girl sitting next to those guys kinda looks like she's from Jersey... She's gotta bump it XD. Ewww Snookie. I really Hope Mrs. Miller will let me charge my phone through 6th hour, if Megan even remembered the charger. -Sigh- I just want to go home and shower and nap and throw those stupid pills out the fuckin window. If i did, i would want my mom to see XD. Wow, I'm an asshole, huh? Well i mean... it would be HER fault. I didn't want to take them in the first place! I just... I'm really scared that they are going to kick in soon. I know i won't be able to handle it. My mom says she understands but she won't help me. I hope i can see my doctor soon, maybe she'll understand. Ugh. I hardly got any E2020 done this weekend because i was at my dads, i think my mom's disappointed. Shit. I am far too stressed. I told my dad about GLSEN's parade that's coming up :/. He thought it was dumb, i didn't expect anything less.

So erm... Yeah, This Is My Life. Or... At Least How I See It. (ON MARCH 20TH)

I've decided to just go with my first name through out my blogging career, so my name is Megan. I'm a high school student (Not by choice, not that anyone is a student by choice). I'm having a hard time describing myself because i don't really fit into any of the groups at my school (Jock, prep, stoner, geek etc.). I'm kinda a loner i guess. I've always had a really dark sense of humor that not many people understand and i tend to come off looking crazy. Which i very well may be. If i were to be grouped in with anyone though i would be grouped with the freaks, a name i have become very familiar with. You see I'm a female and i like females which is apparently an open invitation to get the shit beaten out of you (I was unaware). I'm sorry I'm so depressing, i don't mean to be but the world is so crazy sometimes. It just makes no sense. I am pretty much a perfect lesbian stereotype. I have short hair, i wear flannel, i do construction and work boots i mean... i AM the lesbian stereotype and I'm pretty much okay with that, now only if the people at school would be okay with that. I'm not a mean person. Sure maybe i come off as cold but it's only because i don't know what to say but i was bullied a lot last year. Last year was hell for me. It started out with people at school figuring out I'm gay. Then one day i was outside my school and a few kids from class grabbed me and threw me into the near by creek. After that i was pretty much called a fag or a dyke everyday, a few times i was hit or pushed. I started picking up some extremely bad habits (Some I've stopped by now and some I'm still working on) and i got very depressed. I began thinking about killing myself and how it would be so much easier. In the middle of all of this i made an extremely bad choice in school which led to my expulsion. To get back into my school i was required to go through a number of programs and meetings which included therapy. After talking to me my doctor diagnosed me with major depression and ADD. So she put me on meds and i have to sit and talk about my feelings -Cringe- and I'm back in school and mom and dad are happy. So here i am! I know it seems very sad, but i had a lot of happy moments too... the sad ones just over power the happy ones.

My Dream

Dude, i had a messed up nightmare last night... Okay so it started with me laying on my couch reading a book (I have no clue what book haha) and out of nowhere i sink into my couch. Like how you would sink if you were thrown into a pool, straight down and fast. So i sank down for a few minutes in complete darkness and then when i could see again i was underwater (My nightmares always seem to take this turn. I'm afraid of water). I couldn't see anything through the water because it wasn't clear. So i just started swimming/walking (whenever I'm in water in my dreams I'm never actually swimming). I tried to get up to the surface but i couldn't really swim upward, i would just sink. So i was just feeling my way around trying to figure a way out and my hand hit something in front of me, but i still couldn't really see it. I pulled my hand back and it was covered in blood, but i wasn't injured so that part doesn't really make sense to me (Like any of this does haha). I fell backwards onto my ass and just kind of sat there staring in the direction of whatever it was i touched. All of a sudden the water was crystal clear, like someone hit a switch. In front of me was this things face. Like and inch away from my face. It looked more like a human now that i think about it, face-wise. It had the shape and basic layout of a human face but the mouth stretched too far around (So it looked like it was smiling). Its eyes were just fixated on me and it kept rocking it's head back and forth. It didn't do anything yet though. So i started crawling backwards, trying to get away from it. It didn't follow me at first, so i could see it's body. It was by far one of the weirdest things I've ever dreamt. It walked on it's hands and feet. It had human arms and hands in front and in the back it had dog legs and paws. It's abdomen a tealish color and looked a lot like a snakes body. I was still crawling backwards when it lifted it's hands and feet and followed me. It was huge, so it only had to take one or two steps to catch up with me. It put it's face really close to mine and opened it's mouth just enough to be able to make noise. I don't even know how to explain the noise. It was so many different animal noises in one, but under all of the barking/growling/oinking/meowing etc. in a super quiet voice i could hear it talking. In English. But it was too quiet for me to understand what it was saying. At this point it closed it's mouth for a moment and raise his face away from mine. He stayed staring at me for awhile and then open his mouth really wide and let out loud crying noise and started ramming his face into me. It just kept dropping it's neck and head on top of me. This is where i woke up. Weird right? I damn near fell out of bed as soon as i woke up. I think i might try and draw it. This is why im afraid of water! Crazy human/dog things live in the water haha! Alrighty, well im off to school. Fun fun.

DAY OF SILENCE 2010!!!!

Okay so they Day of silence is on Friday of this week and I'm excited/scared as hell. The Day of Silence is a day in which people who support LGBT rights and want people to notice homophobic and anti-transgender bullying as a problem choose to not speak for the day. The GSA (made up of roughly 11 or 12 people) are participating at school. The problem is that not speaking for the whole day kinda makes you stick out, so I'm kinda worried about getting my ass whooped... but i mean even if i did it would be Worth it. There is more info on the day of silence at www.dayofsilence.org. Ooo! I forgot another cool LGBT rights thing i just found is that in Britain the first school video was made about LGBT bullying. It's from Stonewall (Go Kameny!!!!). If you look up "FIT Stonewall preview" Scroll down a little and watch the one that is called "Launch trailer". I almost cried at part of it. (I WROTE THIS ON APRIL 11TH 2010! I am deleting my other small blogs and putting all the posts on this one!)

So so so....

So I've decided to put a picture of me up as my default. I don't know why i hadn't sooner. I am look exactly like a walking, talking lesbian stereotype right? Haha i look so angry and angsty in my black hoodie XD. It's been a pretty good week, my medication hasn't kicked in yet. Which is good because i don't want to be on my medication. It makes me feel funny, i don't like it. I shouldn't be on it (I don't think) anyway. I'm fine. I'm sittin around drinkin Sunkist, studyin and listenin to Danzig. That's pretty much my life (the bands change though haha). So i have a slight problem... I was just informed by mi madre that my aunt Vicki is coming to visit in about a month. The last time she saw me was about 6 or 7 years ago which would have made me... 9? I think i would have been 9. Anyway the problem is that... My aunt Vicki is.. well, SUPER DUPER religious. She carries around a 3 foot statue of the virgin Mary where she goes (Enough said, right?). So the last time she saw me i was still wearing dresses and i was still very much a girl and now.... well now I'm different. I'm just scared that she won't be okay with who i am now. In the past month LGBTQ rights have become a HUGE part of my life and i wish i could share that with her but i know that can't happen. Hell, she doesn't even know I'm gay! UGH! It's just frustrating. I'm glad LGBTQ rights are such a big part of my life now though. It gives me purpose, ya know? I joined GLSEN and i go to a community center for LGBTQ individuals called Affirmations. I love it! On the 6th me and two of my friends are going to the gay pride parade they having. The people I've met in these places are so much like me. I feel so much more normal, they are so accepting even if others aren't. OH! News! I've had a girlfriend for a little bit now and i really like her! We've been dating almost a month now... She is very nice. I think she really understands me :) it's been a good week.

Fuckin Erin

Grrrr... So erin wants to read my blogs. I just read through them though and there isnt anything that bad. I wish i woulda known she was gonna read these before i posted the previous post though... eh hehehe SORRY ERIN, I LOVE YOU!

-Sigh- Help!

Okay so... i'm stressed to say the least. -Sigh- there is way too much happening. I've pretty much lost the one person that i've had an instant connection because she moved back to fuckin Texas... She says she will come back soon. She won't though. I mean, im not trying to be depressing but i think she just wants to forget about everything up here. Me. School. Harmony. Ugh. Just... fuckin.. god. I don't even know. Like this person is the only one like her, ya know? like.. i want her back. Everytime im depressed she calls and makes me feel better :)... i cant loose that. A few weeks ago she told me that she was going to stop talking to me because she only hurts me. What if thats what she really wants? Fuck. Im so scared im going to be a fuck up in school again this year. I cant take that shit again. Oh! and i just informed my mom that i havent been taking my antidepressants for months... she is forcing me to take them now. Im so scared. I dont want to be in reality. When i cant escape the real world into my head i freak out. When i started my meds i remember sitting in class and having a panic attack because everything was WAY too real. If i get scared or if i feel alone i can imagen im somewhere else or im with my friends... what am i suppoused to do when i feel scared and alone now? Hide in bathroom stalls forever? Like i do half the time in school? God, why cant i deal with anything normally?! My mind is like a TV thaty wont turn off. Just constantly pictures or shit. The library, School, Marie, English project, the police, marie's funeral, the crossings, the creek, my scars, erin, my dad, cody. It like never stops.. but i need it. If i dont think about those things everything is too real. Right now. On a normal Megan day. Nothing is real, everything is whatever i want it to be. When im on my medication, im trapped.